At least, forgiveness for its own sake is. There's this idea that the only way to move on from something is to forgive whoever did you wrong, and that forgiveness isn't for them, but for you. Every time I hear that, I just:
Just like you shouldn't apologize unless you're sorry, you shouldn't forgive unforgivable situations, or forgive before you're ready to. If you do, you're essentially invalidating your feelings, and causing a decline in confidence of your own judgement. No matter what someone did to you, eventually, it doesn't affect you as deeply as it did when the betrayal was fresh. So if that's true, why forgive someone who doesn't deserve it?
Keep in mind, you deserve no more than what you keep from someone else.
So if someone talks bad about you and you don't forgive them for it, then you turn around and talk bad about someone else, you shouldn't expect to be forgiven. BUT if you know yourself and what you can live with, then forgive as you see fit!
It's easier to forgive someone when they apologize in a way that resonates with you. If someone apologizes sincerely then you will almost always forgive them, it's just facts. Take this apology language quiz to discover the types of apologies you're most responsive to. If you really want to forgive someone who's remorseful, this will help.
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| Stock photo courtesy of Adobe |
On the flip side, if their remorse seems insincere or there is no remorse at all, then you have no obligation to forgive; all that matters is that you move on.
Moral of the story: Don't forgive the undeserving if you don't want to.
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