It was everything I ever wanted. We ate, slept, cried + created together. Our nightly ritual was homework, dinner + cupcakes for dessert.— Arielle Nicole™ (@arielleblog) July 18, 2017
We were so inseparable, people would ask "Where's ____? when the other wasn't around. Luckily, it wasn't hard to maintain our independence.— Arielle Nicole™ (@arielleblog) July 18, 2017
I was never selfish with my love. We were two soldiers from two different tribes, who chose to march together. Even if we separated --— Arielle Nicole™ (@arielleblog) July 18, 2017
-- for a day or two, our need for boundaries or alone time never created a sense of loss. Balance and freedom, for us, was everything.— Arielle Nicole™ (@arielleblog) July 18, 2017
I thought everything was perfect. We didn't last halfway through the first semester. She nearly broke me.— Arielle Nicole™ (@arielleblog) July 18, 2017
The day our friendship ended, there was a terrible rainstorm. She didn't say anything to me, but she didn't have to. My things were packed--— Arielle Nicole™ (@arielleblog) July 18, 2017
-- + waiting at the door; I realized later that I left a pair of shoes in her closet. I climbed into my car, waiting for an explanation --— Arielle Nicole™ (@arielleblog) July 18, 2017
-- but there was nothing. I cried on the drive back to campus. I called my mom + friends. My face was red + my airways were constricted.— Arielle Nicole™ (@arielleblog) July 18, 2017
If my car didn't crash in the rain, then surely my heart would explode + I wouldn't have to ask myself, "What had I done wrong?"— Arielle Nicole™ (@arielleblog) July 18, 2017
"You dodged a bullet, Ari." Did I? It definitely feels like I got shot.
"I heard what went down between you two..." How?
"She does that to everybody, but I didn't think she'd do it to you." Me either.
I didn't want to hear anything bad about her. I didn't want to hear anything about her at all. Our relationship was a ticking time bomb to those on the outside looking in, and I was humiliated for not seeing it myself. What made it worse was how much I would cry. I'm not a crier at all, so the violence of it scared me. It got to the point where I would cry before and during classes (this is why I was always late or leaving in the middle of class, friends :/ ).
A few weeks went by, and I heard nothing from her. Then, she came back.
I didn't recognize the number, so I ignored it. About a week later, it came up again. I Googled the area code and that's when I knew. Her. The unsaved number texted me, but I didn't text back.
I unfollowed her social media accounts. I avoided her usual hangout spots. When I went out of town during my birthday weekend, one of our close mutual friends beat her up outside of a party. The story was amusing, not gonna lie. But nothing would undo what had happened; I was done. I saw her once in January, and we didn't speak. The emotional toll that it took on my health drove me to go to therapy.
So what now?
Sometimes I'll hear a song or see a symbol that reminds me of her and for a split second, that choking feeling I got on that first day comes back.
Every day gets a little better, though, and I don't cry anymore. Sometimes I see something, and I think "I've got to show her this!" and then I remember...we're not friends anymore. I could've answered the phone when she called, or texted back, but I'm glad that I didn't. I learned a lot from her (how to have a strong worth ethic, how to speak up for myself, etc.); and I wish her the best, but the hurt was so much to bear that I don't want to have her back.
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