The First Time I Got My Heart Broken

"You dodged a bullet, Ari." Did I? It definitely feels like I got shot.

"I heard what went down between you two..." How?  

"She does that to everybody, but I didn't think she'd do it to you." Me either.

I didn't want to hear anything bad about her. I didn't want to hear anything about her at all. Our relationship was a ticking time bomb to those on the outside looking in, and I was humiliated for not seeing it myself. What made it worse was how much I would cry. I'm not a crier at all, so the violence of it scared me. It got to the point where I would cry before and during classes (this is why I was always late or leaving in the middle of class, friends :/ ).

A few weeks went by, and I heard nothing from her. Then, she came back. 

I didn't recognize the number, so I ignored it. About a week later, it came up again. I Googled the area code and that's when I knew. Her. The unsaved number texted me, but I didn't text back. 

I unfollowed her social media accounts. I avoided her usual hangout spots. When I went out of town during my birthday weekend, one of our close mutual friends beat her up outside of a party. The story was amusing, not gonna lie. But nothing would undo what had happened; I was done. I saw her once in January, and we didn't speak. The emotional toll that it took on my health drove me to go to therapy. 

So what now?

Sometimes I'll hear a song or see a symbol that reminds me of her and for a split second, that choking feeling I got on that first day comes back. 

Every day gets a little better, though, and I don't cry anymore. Sometimes I see something, and I think "I've got to show her this!" and then I remember...we're not friends anymore. I could've answered the phone when she called, or texted back, but I'm glad that I didn't. I learned a lot from her (how to have a strong worth ethic, how to speak up for myself, etc.); and I wish her the best, but the hurt was so much to bear that I don't want to have her back. 

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