I Mean, I Made It.

Initially I didn't have much good to reflect on for 2018. 

I've been in a haze of tiredness and disillusionment for most of the year, with a couple of bright spots here and there.

365 days of confusion, unrealistic expectations, injuries, and damaged ties tends to do that to a person. Everyone has their rough spots, and while I hope that your year had more highs than lows, sometimes that just really is not the case. 

If you're looking back at my highlights wondering "What is she talking about, she looks great!" Well, I know I make it look good, but I'd rather be cute and entertaining than crusty and boring while in distress. Let's get back on track.

My deepest issues have always come from my own mind and heart, do you feel me? So my saving grace is to put myself back into perspective whenever I get lost. A great quote that I read says:

"Seasons of suffering can be ripe ground for planting new seeds of faith that will grow into deep-rooted trees of faith that will stand firm in the next storm of life that comes your way. God promises that he will never leave you alone in your season of suffering." (Psalm 118:6)

There's a purpose for everything

I may be tired and disillusioned, but I am also accomplished and protected. I made it through college and into my career. I find myself in fewer situations with negative emotional risks. I meditate on my intentions, and they manifest when I put effort behind them. I didn't die. It's not easy, or in some cases appropriate to look on the bright side. Sometimes, it's just...dark. No matter what, it's all preparing me for bigger payoffs. As long as I don't fold on myself, I'll be alright. Don't fold on yourself and you will be, too.

Black Conservatism is Actually a Thing

It's not just the basis of a fictional TV character, Black conservatism is really a real thing, y'all. 

Black people almost unanimously vote for politicians running on the Democrat ticket, regardless of that particular candidate's policies, personal behavior, etc. It's kind of lazy when you think about it, but that's a different post for a different day. The point is Black people vote blue.

On one hand, it makes sense because in theory, a liberal government stimulates the economy from the bottom up, and who's at the bottom? Black people!

On the other hand, aside from financial incentives, Black Americans are wildly conservative. Like, our beliefs as a whole don't match up with the results at the polls. Take a look at the pictures below.

You see, I'm not just pulling facts out of my butt! 40 percent of Black people think abortion should be illegal, even though banning them will over inflate our foster care system, infant mortality rates will skyrocket, people who do not want to be parents will have no choice, so on and so forth...

Wait for it...

Just under half of us disapprove of same-sex marriage, even though Black LGBTQ+ people are the most vulnerable sub-group in our race. Maybe the rates are still so high because some of us foolishly believe homosexuality was created as a disease to infect Black men, thus destroying the Black family? But hey, what do I know.

My own personal beliefs aside, why is it that if you dig to the bottom of deeply polarizing social issues, that can easily be split between party lines, so many Black minds land on the side of the GOP while their ballots do not?

The easiest answer to that is, of course, racism. 

There's this saying that goes "Not all Republicans are racist, but all racists are Republican." Even though it's not a precise statement, it's close enough. If the GOP could find a way to distance themselves from racist behavior and attitudes, Black folks would be in there like swimwear.

I say all of this to say, Black conservatism is one of this nation's best kept secrets. Now that you're hip, don't act surprised when you hear a Black celebrity giving a tone deaf social take, or when 45 hosts a bunch of new age Buppies in the Oval Office. Those Black MAGA kids aren't just a publicity stunt, they're products of their environment and they're not going to go away. 

It's Hard to Win Souls for Christ When People Can't See the God in You

As a Christian, our two main goals are to develop our personal relationships with God and to bring people into the house of the Lord.

HOWEVER THAT SECOND PART HASN'T REALLY BEEN WORKING OUT TOO WELL.

It's not just because people nowadays are too wicked, or that we're cursed or whatever. I'm convinced that the biggest agents against Christ are the ones who attempt to do the most outreach in His name. They're kind of like mall cops who couldn't make it into the real police force. Extra. Abrasive. Out to prove a point.

Have you ever met someone who was so holier-than-thou that made you go like, "Tell me what church you go to, so I can remember to never ever visit there."

The church has been in decline for GENERATIONS, especially among Black folk; how do you expect them to feel the love of God if you're leading with bigotry and shame? Why should people believe that God will love them if you're hating on God's behalf?

Sometimes I wonder if maybe those kinds of people don't actually want others to be saved. More favor for them, perhaps? Hmm. I hope that's not it, because you do not need to be saved to have the favor of God (see: Judas, who betrayed Jesus, still had favor from God to even be a disciple).

What do people want most of all? 

Love, compassion, and understanding. Telling non-believers and those who have strayed what God has brought you through and where you intend to go (in this life as well as the next), is a lot more effective than threatening them with eternal damnation. ESPECIALLY if they already feel like they're living in Hell on Earth.

Once that part is over, focus on what you can do to make a more righteous life for you.

Post-Grad Depression, Despite My Blessings? Maybe So.

This is not me...

For a long time, I couldn't understand what my problem was.

Immediately after I graduated from college, I had a car, my family, my degree and plenty of career opportunities. It's pretty much exactly what you can ask for in an ideal post-grad situation. The problem was, none of that could keep me from the restlessness, isolation, and waves of uncertainty.

Yes I had plans, but my goals felt like someone else's goals. Yes I socialized, but my daily interactions were just me on auto-pilot. I began to evaluate everything and everyone as temporary, which is actually terrifying, because that same feeling begins to apply to yourself. You're reminded of your own mortality.

I began to release myself from this mindset

On July 27th, I followed advice suggested to me months prior by my friend Mo (plug: check out his music). He told me to use the law of attraction to manifest the life I want to live. 

I pulled out my notebook, and began to write down everything that I wanted as specifically as possible, no matter how selfish or impossible it sounded. As I wrote, I poured all of my energy in, with the explicit goal of making all of my intentions come true.

Three days later, I was T-boned by a driver that wasn't paying attention as they pulled into traffic.

According to the EMTs that arrived a few minutes later, without my seatbelt on, I would've absolutely been ejected from the vehicle and died in the middle of the street. I wish I could say that I'd found a new lease on life, but I can't because that's not true. 

What I did find though, was a glimmer of opportunity. After all, just three days before the accident, I poured my heart's desire onto a piece of paper...

It was time to put my intentions to work.

Every day wasn't easy. Every day wasn't perfect. Some days, the day wasn't even mine to control. But, I always focused on my intentions. I prayed over them every morning and slept with them under my pillow every night. Before I knew it, three things on my list would manifest, then five, then seven. It was working and my life was changing because I was kind to myself and obedient to my process.

Today, whenever I get a chance to put my power to the test, I take it because I know that I can get whatever I want. You do too. It's not magic, but it's something that really pulled me through.

Being Related Doesn't Make Us Family.

Even though the family is the most fundamental unit of society, something I've struggled with for all of my adult life is the answer to this question: "Are you family oriented?"

I don't know, am I?

I grew up in a VERY big extended family, but outside of those most closely related, I don't know much about them, don't see them often, and don't particularly care to. Don't get me wrong, relatives are cool, but there's something missing that I'm not willing to fake for anyone.

Now my friends on the other hand? That's a totally different story. The saying goes "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb" and honestly nothing is more true than this. I love all of my friends deeply and fiercely. I'm willing to sacrifice for, celebrate, and accept them for who they are, because they return the energy tenfold. 

But back to that question...if I say no, I'm not family oriented, then I sound like a pessimistic anarchist or something. I am not anti! So how do I reconcile the two groups of people, that which I was born into, and those whom I've chosen? Well, to answer that question, another must be asked:

What is family? To me, it is:

• support
• physically show up
• financially contribute
• emotionally + spiritually nourish
• commonality
• complimentary goals
• complimentary experiences
• a choice
• conscious effort to maintain the structure despite personal obstacles and outside forces

From my perspective, family can consist of relatives, but all relatives aren't family. 

So, am I a family oriented person? Yes! I respect and care for my family, blood related or not, more than any other group of people. HOWEVER, I am NOT a relative-oriented person, and I probably never will be; a common ancestor just isn't good enough.

What does family mean to you?

I Don't Mean to be Dramatic, But "A Seat at the Table" Was the Album that Saved Me

September 30, 2016. 

My best friend was gone, people I trusted had betrayed me, it was evident that this country was headed for disaster, and I had just suffered a sexual violation just over a week before. 

Enter Solange.

I've been a years-long fan of the carefree, alternative R&B she put out, always quietly, as if she enjoyed simmering just below the surface of mega-stardom. This time, however, was different. This time, talks of her album were getting buzz weeks in advance. It would be something we've never heard before, at least not in the mainstream. While I anticipated its release, I didn't know how much I would come to cherish the project or feel its impact on my life.

Never had I experienced a solemn joy, or electric melancholy before I took A Seat at the Table. 

In a world where it felt like my voice didn't matter, Solange was there. At a time where I was completely encapsulated by grief, Solange was there. Even better, she wasn't alone. Our talks were never one on one; seated across and beside me were Sampha, Q-Tip, Lil' Wayne, Kelela, Master P, even Solo's parents, and still so many others. It's not as easy to feel by yourself when there's a village surrounding you as fast as you can hit play. 

I could go on and on about the complexity of the lyrics, the elegance of the visuals, and the impact A Seat had on the diaspora - and beyond. But today, what's most important to me is that Solange gave me permission to simmer in and process my pain, but demanded that I push through in return. 

We weren't built to break, but even if we do, we're never too broken to one day be whole again.

Yeah, #MeToo.

This is me in my senior year of college, wearing the shorts that "invited" the incident I found myself in over a year before.

It's almost two years to the day that I was violated by someone I'd been instructed to trust. In late September, I was a junior in college, and was in charge of distributing boxes across campus for a school supply drive. On this particular day, Virginia was still very hot, so I wore a pair of cut-off shorts as I shuffled from dorm to dorm to complete my task.

I walked into one of the male dorms, waved to the boys I knew, had a chat with the RA on desk, left a box outside of the office door, and prepared to leave when I was stopped by the dorm director. I won't go into details about this man, but his deviant sexual past preceded him, so I was already wary of having any type of conversation. I knew that he would walk into his residents' rooms unannounced, and that he had a bad habit of touching or commenting on the bodies of those young men left in his care. By all accounts, the guy was a creep. Even still, that didn't prepare me for what would happen next. 

Holding a box almost as big as me as I waited for him to speak, the dorm director walked a circle around me, looking me up and down. Confused, I stared at him as if to say, "Can I help you???" He responded by grabbing a belt loop on the back of my shorts, pulling me close and saying, "Who you got them thighs out for, girl?" 

Why would he ask me a question like that? I was 19, a month shy of my 20th birthday. I'd had a long afternoon in the sweltering heat. I only liked one boy, and I didn't want him to see me all sweaty like that. So who did I have my thighs out for? Nobody - certainly not a middle-aged dorm director.

For more statistics on sexual assault, click here.

He licked his lips and let me go, laughing, like this was something we did every day. Without waiting to see what he might say next, I hoisted the box up higher and dashed out of the front door. He called out after me, but I wasn't listening to what he said.

...

I've been used to being harassed by older boys and men since before I reached puberty; it's a reality that many girls, especially black ones, face. However, that was the first time a grown man had ACTUALLY touched me in a way that made me feel totally unsafe. What gives someone that type of audacity? 

It was only when I got older that I thought, these boys and men don't exist outside of family structures - they're our fathers and brothers and cousins and uncles. Sometimes it's not just men - they're our mothers and sisters and aunts, too. Do they do all of their harm outside, or do they take it home?

...

I know what some of you might be thinking: "The dorm director was just playing around, he didn't mean to scare you!" or "But you didn't get raped, so what are you complaining for?" or my favorite, "Every girl has a #MeToo story nowadays." All I can say is, you don't know what it's like until it happens to you. 

Even if the dorm director was "just playing around", what part of his statement was appropriate to deliver to me? How was he entitled to grab onto me and comment on my body? Even if I wasn't raped, considering the adverse effects it has had on my self esteem and professional relationships with older men, imagine just how bad it could be if I had been raped. Even if every girl has a #MeToo story, doesn't that say more about the fact that our society is totally unsafe and complicit in this type of behavior?

Two years ago, almost to the day, I was just a kid trying to do some community service on campus. Following the dorm director incident, I held overwhelming contempt for older men who showed me too much attention, but would go as far as playing into their games to reverse the role of who's in charge. 

As late as this summer I've begun to re-frame my way of assessing the motives of men around me, and have found lots of them to be very kind. I'm grateful to those men, because only the Lord knows where I'd be if anyone intended me harm. 

Two years later, and I don't regret not filing a report because I know it would either cause more trouble than it was worth, or fall on deaf ears, and both would've broken my heart. I know my alma mater, and I know their priorities; the violation I suffered simply wouldn't make the cut. (#WhyIDidntReport) My only concern is that just because I got away relatively unscathed at 19, doesn't mean that my luck won't run out later. After all, you've seen who's in office these days.

Because everyone thought he was gay, + my university didn’t take sexual assault/harassment accusations seriously #WhyDidntIReport

— Arielle Nicole (@arielleblog) September 22, 2018

Top 10 Things to Expect in the Last Year of Undergrad

Dear Senior Class,

I remember you coming to the university, backstabbing each other, getting caught having sex in public spaces, and just generally having no sense as a whole. The worst of y'all have transferred, dropped out, or calmed down, so the ones who survived have all of my love and respect. I've always liked your class; my first littles and some of my closest friends are due to come out in 2019. So, in honor of your rapidly approaching last "First Day of School", here's a little wisdom from me to you on what to expect in the last year of undergrad.

Can You (Still) Focus On Me?

In the previous post, #thethingiwrote was how trauma competitions disguised as venting sessions ultimately minimize emotional impact. This post is a continuation, where I'm breaking down a couple of other lazy and/or unhealthy practices that can permanently weaken emotional bonds.

Refusal to be physically present 

Technology increases connectivity where it counts; meanwhile, we use it as an out for not being there when tech just isn't good enough. Stop texting, and say what you need to say face to face. To take it a step further, when you do decide to grace your loved ones with your presence, put your phone down. Bonds weren't built with distractions, and they can't be sustained with you letting them get in the way either.

Here for a good time, not a long time

Let's say you're a rider for someone, the same support is expected from them, but they're nowhere to be found during your darkest hours. Hold up, that's a violation. Respect is a tricky subject since individuals set their own limits, but if you find yourself in a position where your "rider" disappears when you need them, it's illogical to fix your mouth to say they respect you, because the evidence says otherwise. Don't let anybody care about you quietly.

This stage isn't big enough for the both of us

Purposely engaging in jealous, melodramatic, or overly competitive behavior to deflect attention away from someone else and onto yourself, is narcissistic at best and Machiavellian at worst. Why is it so hard to let someone else shine? Why the need for rude comments or sabotage? What makes you think someone wants to be close to a person like that?

Emotional bonds can and do break. Bonds are not hard to maintain. Let me repeat myself, bonds are not hard to maintain. But, my guess is that societal attitudes and technology will be the cop out for those who say otherwise. Emotion-based relationships take WORK. If you can't maintain the bond, move out the way so someone who can, will.

Can You Focus On Me?

Person A asks to talk about an intimate issue with Person B. Without absorbing anything they just heard, B brings up their own irrelevant personal issue, to compare and minimize the trauma of A. "You think that's bad? When *I*......."

B doesn't know how to listen to understand, only how to listen to make themselves relevant. In fact, B does this every time A tries to open up and emotionally connect. A now feels unsafe sharing their experiences because of the invalidation they received from B. What's this an example of?

Gaslighting?! How? 

Person B is subconsciously teaching Person A that their feelings aren't real or don't matter. A will begin to wonder if they're oversensitive or unable to handle themselves. Whole time, B might very well be more messed up than A. Continuous redirection of focus from someone else to yourself is insecurity at best and narcissism at worst. 

By competing for the title of "Most Traumatized", it sends a clear message that B has a diminished capacity to care about others. To make matters worse, in the future, B will probably accuse A of not being more emotionally available, not taking into consideration why this is so. People can't open up to you if you can't let something be about them for once, for like 20 minutes...

Since you were looking for ways to connect this to your romantic life anyway, I'll do it for you (bloop, I know how y'all are). 

Being your significant other's peace is not as hard as you pretend it is, lazy. Being their peace is about fostering a safe place to express thoughts and feelings free of judgement or risk of having that vulnerability thrown back in their face. Peace is trust. Not bomb cooking, spotless cleaning, dick splits, or A1 stroke game. On second thought...it can be that stuff too, but mostly, it's emotional security.

Think back to the last time you made yourself open up to someone. Did they listen actively, then shower you with support or optimism? Or did they remind you that your problems aren't real, and pale in comparison to theirs? Recognize when you're being gaslit - and call them out on it. It's not always done with malicious intent; sometimes we get carried away with our own problems, and confrontation can improve the relationship. Now, if they try to gaslight you for speaking up? I can't tell y'all how to think, but psychological manipulation is a good place to draw the line *to me*.

How I ended up writing this in the first place:

I owe it to my big bro, AP. He's got this dope clothing line and we usually end up have deep talks in the middle of a selling event. This time, he re-posted a Tweet that touched on the topic of turning trauma into a competition, and our resulting conversation led to this blog post, so yayyy thanks!

You Can't Cheat Growth

There you are, hunched over in Plato’s cave grabbing at the shackles that once bound your hands and feet. You know what the world looks like. You can envision the warmth of the sun on your face and the breeze on your neck. You have the incredible ability to be as free as you can imagine, and this is what you choose?

I Won't Let You Run Me Away From Happy Hour.

Full disclosure, y'all will not be receiving the full disclosure. Now, on with the story.

I had a close friend throughout undergrad. We had a misunderstanding, as friends sometimes do, but one pointless conversation here, and some hurt feelings there led to a gradual decline in contact; and now, we aren't involved in each other's lives at all. 

Movies That'll Remind You of Why Black Women are Everything

When we speak on the media's portrayal of black women, it's easy to get swept up by reality TV story lines and one dimensional, background characters in television, music and film. I ask you, my friends, to take a second to pause and reflect over the past 30-ish years. Are we exactly where we want to be? Maybe not yet, but please, realize that we have been blessed.

“Didn’t they graduate three years ago?”

Every college has those people who never seem to leave campus. They’re rapidly approaching (or are already in) their mid-20s, and typically have their degree, but for some really strange reason they’re still immersed in college culture. Why are they strolling? How did they get into this party without a valid student ID? Why are they talking to underclassmen? Didn’t they graduate three years ago? I found the whole phenomenon to be bizarre because, who would purposely stick around their alma mater? That’s weird. Suddenly, I realized — they peaked in school!

Standard of Excellence, Or Excuses?

February 20, 2018 marks a sad day in Hampton University history.